To: All
From: HumptyDumptyLover627@yahoo.com
Date January 29, 2003
Subject: Update on condition
By now all of you have heard the brief description of my accident that has been
making the rounds. When some bastard from USA Today is covering your accident,
you cannot expect in depth coverage. For those of you have not heard or have forgotten
this is what happened according to USA Today.
Humpty Dumpty Sat On a Wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings’ horses and all the King’s men
Could not put Humpty Back Together again.
This included some gruesome photos and a pie chart about readers guess at my yolk/alcohol
reading at the time of the accident. The rest of the page was given to an ad for
Kangaroo Jack and speculation on Jennifer Lopez’s exploits.
The reason I am writing to all of you is to give you background on the accident
to separate fact from fiction, the treatment, the recovery and of course the litigation.
As you know my accident occurred while I was sitting on a wall and fell. Your
first question is why where you an Egg Man, sitting on a wall? Is it not inviting
disaster? The answer to this question is that I was waiting for the number sixteen
and you all know how you will get four packed buses in a row then no buses for
an hour. I had my palm pilot phone but the great experiment of Next Bus was not
able to provide any useful information. They had seats in the bus shelter but
they were those awful rolling seats to discourage people from wanting to hang
out in bus stops. All of you Egg Men and women know those seats are not made for
us or for that matter any living thing.
And I admit that I was prior to waiting for the bus at the pub having a few pints
as it was Monday night and Pabst Blue Ribbon was only a buck a pint. The reason
that I was taking Muni rather than taking a cab is that I spent all of my twenty
dollars from the ATM machine at the bar. I did not have as some rumor has it,
nineteen pints of the official beer of the recession. As I am a good egg, I tip.
So I drank a total of nine pints of beer. So drinking may have played a small
part in the accident.
But like some people I did not follow up heavy drinking with getting into my SUV
and yakking on my cell phone to my idiot friends until I drive into a bus stop.
Those of you may laugh at my choice of vehicle but there is a good reason my car
(and my house) is shaped like an egg crate.
Now you know that with drinking comes an urge to leak out some yolk. Even though
I took care of business before I left the bar I had to go again and I saw no bus
in sight.
So as I sat on the wall, I turned away from the sidewalk to take care of business
to make the night bus a little more reasonable. Those of you that know me well
are aware that I am not known for my grace and balance. Scooting around led me
to lose my balance and I fell to the pavement below. I was bruised and broken
from the fall leaking egg white.
Luckily I did not lose consciousness and was able to call 911 on my cell phone
to report that I had fallen off of a wall.
It turns out that the city sells advertising on its 911 service. Aladdin Bail
Bond sponsored my first call.
After listening to recordings of the importance of my call I reached a live person
and gave them my location. Some sort of market research study then followed this
report for 911.
Did 911 send out an EMT with experience with shell cracking and egg white loss?
No, for some reason they sent out a group of inept Mayoral appointees on horseback!
Neither the horses, nor the men were able to fix the problem as they were causing
more problems I made another call to 911 and requested an ambulance rather than
an equine political solution.
This second request was followed by yet another market research study! I was interested
in the second sponsor, which was a personal injury lawyer.
While I was waiting the reporter from the USA Today showed up and took photos
of my accident. Public humiliation on top of all of the physical pain! This story
was somehow picked up by the AP wire because for some sick reason the media thinks
that the tale of an egg falling off of a wall and then being mishandled by incompetent
political appointees on horseback is funny. I even heard one of those awful morning
disc jockeys making jokes about my accident on his radio show.
So the real EMT showed up and took care of the situation like they have seen an
injured egg before. With the fall and the mishandling my shell was badly cracked
and I lost a lot of white. All of you eggs out there already know the vital importance
of white donations. I honestly do not know if I would be alive if it were not
for a tragic accident at the local Safeway earlier that day.
I am recovering but it will be a while, as I require painful shell grafting and
more white transfusions. I have not been able to look for work since the accident.
Luckily I still get royalties on “I am the Walrus” which I co-wrote
with the Beatles. Still I wish that Paul had used the original title of Yesterday
(Scrambled Eggs), Nowhere Man (Nowhere Egg) and Hey Jude (Hey Eggman). If I had
a share of those royalties I would not be slumming it at dollar pint night and
then waiting for the bus that never shows up.
So I am working with the personal injury lawyer that sponsors 911. From what I
understand the sponsorships for 911 are most expensive on Friday and Saturday
night. Typically early mornings are sponsored by Alcohol and drug treatment centers.
The basis of my case is three fold. The first is that the reason I was on a wall
rather than a seat is that the seats would flip me off, as they are not made for
an Eggman. Second is that the extent of my injury was worsened by the handling
by the initial response. Third is for all of the public humiliation, as the name
Humpty Dumpty has become associated with drunkenly falling off a wall. The lawyer
is happy because he thinks this lawsuit could pay for his sponsorship of 911 for
Friday night through the rest of the year.